Step 7 - Keep calm, it's not all that bad

I've just consider calling a "student help line". About two weeks ago I considered joining in it to help other people and now I felt I was the one in need of help. I may be pitying myself, but not that much.

There is worse. I'm feeling bad but it could be worse. There is a limit in my self pity.

But I still carry the idea of calling them.

Step 6 - Take a break

For once, I'm going to do something I don't even allow others to do. I'm going to pity myself. Just for once, I won't try. I have few energies left and much to do. This time, I won't come up with a solution. I'm just going to give in. Just for tonight, at least, and I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Step 5 - Hold it up together

It's late and I have to be up early tomorrow. Even though I'm quite tired I cannot fall asleep tonight.
I don't think I'm strong enough to hold it up much longer all by myself. For the first time, I don't think I'm strong enough.

I need someone.

Step 4 - Change the way you've been dealing with the problem

I think I'm going through the worst time of my life.
I've felt lost before, kind of desperate also but, even in the worst of moments, I've been able to accept me, to see me as a good person, a good friend.
For the first time, I realise that I haven't been the best that I could be.

I believe that, in a relationship (2 lovers, 2 friends, parent and child, it doesn't matter) both should take the blame when something goes wrong. It's responsability of both... Most of times. Right now, I think I'm the one who should take most of the blame. And it took me a very long time to realise this, I've been falling for a long time, mostly on this past year, and I'm only taking most of the consequences now. People think they know me, and they kind of do, but only the saddest part of me. I'm more than I've shown, and I know that.

But the  problem with people thinking they know you, is that they are certain they do. And that you don't have nothing else to give or show them. Nothing else important for them to know. They already made their judgments and they are certain that are right.
And I'm not blaming them, since I'm also a person, one of "them".

If I want something to change, I have to start by changing myself. Or keep on falling. I'll take the 1st option.

Step 3 - Stop looking for others attention

I'm in such a need for attention that I find myself looking at the views here, to see if someone has seen what I wrote, if someone understands what I'm going through. If someone has gone through the same things and was able "restart". Not becoming a better person but accepting who they are. That's all I ask for. So I can stop competing between all these loose pieces of personality.

I feel ashamed of myself that.

Step 2 - Stop comparing yourself with others

1st:
- It makes me sick everytime I realise I feel better when surrounded by people who I find less atractive than me. It makes me realise how hipocrite I am, complaining about how some people seem so full of themselves, thinking they are better than the others, despising them without even getting to know them... When I end up doing the very same thing.

2nd:
- I usually hang out with people who I find them prettier than me. That ended up making me feel very inferior, worthless and insecure and I eventually had the urge to stop being around some of them.

3rd:
- Sometimes I become friends with someone who I don't think is "above" or "below" me. It makes me think we are on the same level. But we are not. While I'm internally competing to stay on the same level with them, they are being good friends and good people and I'm left behind thinking what I did wrong, still competing in my mind with what I was in the past moment when everything seemed right.

And this are some of the reasons that might be in the bottom of the reason why a lot of people seem not to like me.

Step 1 - Getting out of the vicious cycle

I may have gotten into a sick vicious cycle:

I feel like, in order to get better, be a less sad of a person, less mean to people and lacking of any joy in anything in life, I have to feel that I'm worthy to someone... Worthy to be loved... That I'm not all that a loss of a case.
But I think I've become so rotten inside, so hopeless, that I'm driving away every single person in my life away, one by one.

I want to change. I don't know if wanting is enough.